Simon Hodges photographed by Matt Porteous

This month, LUX columnist and life coach Simon Hodges concludes his ‘how to thrive in uncertainty’ series by sharing some practical advice on how to effect positive and lasting change

Over the last few months, I have been exploring why we tend to operate more often in survival mode as a result of our often unconscious programming, otherwise known as our belief systems or (more colloquially) the bullshit stories we believe to be true about ourselves and the world we live in.

Follow LUX on Instagram: luxthemagazine

In today’s column and final part of this series on how to thrive in uncertainty, I explore how we can practically move away from these old fear-based patterns (or beliefs) and learn how to thrive again.

Making change a MUST

As I am an intensely practical person, my focus is on being real and offering you concrete insights into how to effect real and lasting change in your life.

As I said in my last column, change never happens until you first become aware of what is actually going on in your life and you can see both the reality and the negative impact of the beliefs you currently buy into. It is often revelatory to my clients when they first see a written list of their beliefs and just how toxic they are, which leads me onto my first point…

As human beings, we will only ever change our behaviour when it is a MUST to do so; in other words, we all need to hit our leverage point to change and this usually means experiencing so much pain that it becomes intolerable to endure it any longer! If you need help hitting your leverage point, you can ask yourself the following questions:

• What does the predictable future look like for my life and what I want to achieve if I nothing really changes in the next 10 years or even 20 years? What will be my deepest regrets if I allow this to happen?
• What is the impact of my behaviour on my relationships and particularly, those I love the most? What does this look like 5 years from now if nothing changes?

Once you have become aware of what is no longer working for you and have also taken full ownership of it personally (no outsourcing to others with the blame and shame game!), you have to fully commit to doing whatever it takes to make these changes happen.

Change means change!

This leads me onto my second point: change requires a different approach. As Einstein said, the definition of insanity is to do the same thing and expect different results. It sounds achingly simple, almost patronisingly so, but the reality is that most of us try to change by largely doing more of the same and then convincing ourselves that we did everything we could.

Read more: Hermès perfumer Christine Nagel on the emotional power of scent

So here is my challenge to you, if you are 100 % committed to change, you need to start to change the way you show up minute to minute, day to day, week to week and here are some fundamentals to address from the ‘get go’:

• Be curious and open minded – in other words, challenge yourself constantly to see if you can look at any given scenario, any interaction and event differently. What if my way of seeing things was not the only way? What if other perspectives were equally valid?
• Everyone you meet in life is your teacher – for me, this is one of the biggest game changer lessons I learnt. The point here is that everyone who comes into our lives (even those we can’t stand!), can teach us something. More often than not, we learn the most about ourselves and grow exponentially as a person from those relationships which feel the most challenging and push our buttons.
• Adopt a growth mindset – if you really want to change, this is a non-negotiable. Nothing worthwhile in life comes effortlessly, you have to do the work and most of all, you have to consistently push yourself to grow. And you will know you are truly growing when you consistently feel uncomfortable, out of your comfort zone, confused, uncertain and life feels messy! All growth is messy and uncomfortable but it is so worth it in the end when you realise how far you have come and most of all, how differently you now feel about yourself day to day.

This is always the acid test of how successfully you have grown, ask yourself: do I feel different today compared to 12 months ago?

Photograph Matt Porteous

Big change comes from consistently making little changes

If you want proof this is true, take a moment to think about the power of compounding in your finances, or Google some examples, and you will see just how quickly £1 invested every day can grow over a longer period of time.

It’s the same with life. If you want to see positive change and powerful results, first and foremost, you need to be consistent in applying these, often small, changes every day and remain disciplined enough to stay the course.

Get clear about what you want in your life and why you want it

Finally, if you want to make lasting and positive change in your life, focus on what you want your life to look like and most importantly, how you want to feel on a day to day basis.

Getting clarity on all aspects of your vision for your life across your finances, career, relationships, health, personal development, spirituality, fun and adventures is really important as it is the magnet which will pull you forward. The more clarity you have on exactly how you want this to look and the more emotionally invested you are in this outcome, the greater the chances of your success.

The most important part of all is to seek clarity on the emotions you want to feel more of in life and to start doing things today which take you in this direction. If you want more fulfilment, more contentment, more passion or more fun in your life, what sort of things do you need to be doing more of on a daily basis, and what sort of people (if any) should you be doing them with?

Find out more about Simon Hodges’ work: simonhodges.com; @simonhodgescoaching

Simon Hodges photographed by Matt Porteous

LUX columnist and life coach Simon Hodges continues to explore how we can move away from a survival-based way of thinking and towards a mindset which will help us thrive

In my last column, I posed a few questions, one of which I want to explore more deeply, as it is fundamental to personal transformation: What are the beliefs that I previously bought into which are no longer serving me?

Our Belief Systems

So here is the reality: our belief systems drive our behaviour and everything that we do in our daily lives, and I really do mean everything!

Even though we have tens of thousands of thoughts a day, we tend to only focus on a handful and this handful is far too often rooted in fear. Have you stopped to notice recently which thoughts you habitually pay most attention to? What themes seem to keep coming up?

Follow LUX on Instagram: luxthemagazine

Let me bring this alive for you with some real-life examples of how our belief systems play out day to day. How many of you are familiar with the following?

• Constantly hearing a grating voice in your head which crops up just as you’re about to do something slightly scary and exciting?
• Feeling frequently frustrated and unfulfilled in your life knowing that you are capable of so much more, but without being able to take the next step?
• Noticing that you feel a lot of fear-based emotions in your life, such as anxiety about the future or rumination on the past and its failures?

What does this all mean? Well, beneath all of the thoughts and memories that came up as you read those questions is a limiting belief waiting to be outed!

What are our belief systems and where do they come from?

Our belief systems are simply the stories that we believe to be true about ourselves and how we see the world we live in. These might be something like:

• You can’t make it in life and be successful unless you fight – no pain, no gain!
• The world is a place of scarcity, filled with people who are out to get me.
• When I open up and let people in, I always get hurt.
• It’s better to play it safe in life and be ‘the diplomatic one’, rather than take risks and fail.
• It’s selfish to put myself first, I must always look after everyone else.
• I need to be reserved and calm – expressing how I feel and being emotional are signs of weakness.
• Everything I do has to be perfect – anything less is failure.

The vast majority of our belief systems stem from our childhood / adolescence and how we interpreted events that occurred during these times and specifically, the meaning we gave to these where we felt emotionally triggered by unpleasant or unwanted feelings. These can be from big life events like death, divorce, injury and illness, or from much smaller and seemingly innocuous things like:

• how you felt sad and unworthy when your Dad never gave you praise for something you felt was important and meant a lot to you.
• how your sibling was always the centre of attention and got away with murder, but you were often ignored or disproportionately punished and felt that you weren’t loved as much.
• how your parents often argued and so you felt you had to be the ‘good girl / boy’, never ask for anything and make everyone else happy.

The reason we interpret these events as above, comes down to three simple needs that are hardwired into our DNA and pre-programmed. We all want to feel:

• Loved
• Worthy
• Enough

When we experience events and interactions where our sense of anyone of the above is compromised, our default reaction is to make up stories (belief systems) to protect us from these unwanted feelings happening again, or at least with less intensity. Inevitably, the stories we choose are built on fear and we end up avoiding doing or saying things, playing safe, and generally not engaging as fully in life and our relationships.

And here’s the killer punch: the vast majority of us are living lives well below our potential because we are unconsciously allowing these limiting (and self-sabotaging) beliefs to run our lives day to day, like the corrupt software of an out of date computer.

Photograph Matt Porteous

What can I do to change my beliefs?

The short answer is: a lot! It is scientifically proven that you can rewire your brain and re-programme your belief systems in as little as 90 days, although my experience is that it is more like 180+ days in reality (more of this in my next column).

Read more: Durjoy Rahman on promoting South Asian art

But all change starts with awareness, so first of all, you need to become more aware of the internal chatter in your head, the prevailing emotions you feel day to day and start to assess where in your life you feel least satisfied. When you do this, you will gradually begin to see what is really going on in your head – whether you like it or not!

In short, you cannot make positive changes to move forward until you first become aware of what is holding you back and shine a bright spotlight on these beliefs to see if they really are your ‘truth’ or in fact are just ‘stories’ which you created unconsciously as a child when you didn’t have the awareness to know better.

From this base of core awareness, you’ll be able to ask better questions and to start to consider other choices which might serve you much better – choices which will ultimately leave you happier and more fulfilled with where you are now and where you’re going.

Find out more about Simon Hodges’ work: simonhodges.com; @simonhodgescoaching

Simon Hodges photographed by Matt Porteous

Over the next few months, LUX columnist and life coach Simon Hodges will be drawing on his own personal experiences and case studies to explore how we can move away from a place of fear to thrive amidst uncertainty

We are wired to need certainty

From an early age, we are pre-programmed to put an incredibly high value on the need for certainty in our lives. So much of the subliminal messaging which floods us every day is shot through with the idea that we have to tick certain boxes so we can eventually match someone else’s definition of a ‘successful life’: getting married, having the huge house (without a mortgage, of course!), a big pension pot, perfect children educated at the best schools, exotics holidays… We are constantly being sold a definition of success which is beyond question – it is, in fact, so ‘essential’ that it has become a certainty in our minds.

Follow LUX on Instagram: luxthemagazine

How often do we stop to wonder if this is actually what we want and, more importantly, if this is how we define success? The answer, at least in my case, is probably not at all until a life-changing event forces you to do so. This past year has been one such event, and it has forced us, on a global scale, to re-evaluate and question the ‘certainties’ we had all to readily accepted. What’s more, it has forced us to consider some of the ‘big’ questions:

• How do I need to adapt in order to survive these times and begin to thrive again?
• What are the beliefs that I previously bought into which are no longer serving me?
• What are some of the lessons the world is sending us? What are we being asked to learn?
• What can and can’t I control, and what does this mean for me going forward?

Across this new series of articles, I will endeavour to explore these questions and, hopefully, offer some thoughts and insights which I have learned throughout my life, which might help you in the months and years to come.

Photograph by by Matt Porteous

Your relationship with uncertainty will determine the quality of your life

This last year has shown us all that the only certainty is that life is consistently, and unapologetically uncertain. However, when our need for certainty is compromised, it can leave us reeling; we feel untethered, overwhelmed, powerless. Inevitably, we react by reverting to fear, to the certainty there is in being afraid. Indeed, if everything around us seems to be falling apart, fear seems, at first, to ground us, to focus the mind. But fear relies on a myopic view of the world and it thrives off our pain, leaving us in a fight, flight or freeze state of mind.

Read more: Artnet’s Sophie Neuendorf makes 8 art world predictions for 2021

Learning to change our relationship with uncertainty is key. From a position of fear, uncertainty is an unassailable obstacle and beyond our control. However, from an empowered position of love, uncertainty holds the possibility for adventure, for opportunity (where there is risk, there is always reward), for positive change, for the ability to grow and develop.

If we all accept that uncertainty is a fundamental part of life and that it is here to stay, why would we not want to change our relationship with it? One thing I know for sure, is that your ability to not just tolerate uncertainty but actually learning to embrace it, will ultimately be a huge factor in determining the extent of your fulfilment and success.

Learning to let go

One of the most liberating things you can do today is to get clarity on what you genuinely can and can’t control. If you consider this deeply, you will soon realise just how little falls within the scope of our control. And if we pursue this question to its furthest lengths, we will, eventually, come to the conclusion that the only thing we can ever control is ourselves.

Read more: Why do we act the worst with those we love the most?

It may be frightening at first, but if you allow the idea to settle and the waters to clear, it is one of the most empowering truths there is. Normally, for many of my clients, the implications seem isolating and overwhelming: if I can only ever control myself, how can I ever help anyone else? How will anyone ever be able to help me?

But hidden in these questions is an assumption of lack; they suppose that we can never be enough on our own, that we don’t already have everything we need within ourselves. What’s more, they forget that help can’t be given until it is accepted, that no matter how hard you may try, you can never ‘fix’ anyone else.

So, my message to you is that you have it all already, and if you allow yourself to give in to uncertainty, to accept it for what it is, and follow where it takes you – you will always come out the other side: this too shall pass.

Find out more about Simon Hodges’ work: simonhodges.com; @simonhodgescoaching