man leaning against door frame
man leaning against door frame

Simon Hodges photographed by Matt Porteous

Life coach Simon Hodges has transformed the lives of royalty, entrepreneurs, billionaires and their families. In this month’s column, he reflects on his own unwanted feelings and offers advice on how to break out of self-sabotaging patterns of behaviour

I am writing this month’s column from the beautiful island of Mallorca, taking a break from the endless stream of Zoom calls, and the repetitive rhythm of life under the cloak of the pandemic.

Ten days into my holiday, I find myself reflecting on how I could have let my life become somewhat grey and joyless, even a little anaesthetised. Yes, I know that this is a big admission from a life coach and some of you may quite rightly question my ability to what I preach! But what I’m able to see clearly now is that these unwanted feelings crept up on me, like a fog that moves slowly and purposefully through the valleys, finally reaching even the higher ground.

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That is to say, it can be hard, in these times, to know your ‘up from down’, your ‘right from wrong’. Your compass loses its bearings and you end up feeling lost. So, how can we begin find our way again?

Breaking old patterns

One of the most powerful tools we are taught as life coaches is the use of a “pattern interrupt.” In layman’s terms, this is a simple technique to stop a client in his / her tracks when, as a coach, you can see he / she is repeatedly playing out a self-sabotaging pattern of behaviour. A classic example of this is when I see a client consistently rationalising unwanted circumstances by blaming others or external factors. This kind of behaviour keeps you stuck in victim mode, which is a fear-based way of thinking and feeling, and ultimately, it’s self-sabotaging. If you want to see positive change in your life, including your relationship with others or your career, you first need to change the way you show up and start taking responsibility and ownership for your circumstances and recognise that this is always in your control.

When I am coaching a client and I can see they are stuck in a self-sabotaging pattern, I might choose to radically change the tone and pace of my voice, throw in a swear word or make a joke about what I just heard them say. This usually gets that person’s attention and stops the client in his / her tracks because they are shocked! This in turn makes them pause and reflect for a moment on what just happened and why.

boats floating in a cove

A cove off the coast of Mallorca. Photo by Eugene Zhyvchik

Good things happen when we stop and reflect

It is only when we stop and reflect that we open the doorway to new ways of seeing. For me, Mallorca, where the sun shines most days, where the language, culture, food and rhythm of life is so different from my norm, has been my “pattern interrupt.” It has forced me to stop, and realise that I was stuck in an unwanted pattern of behaviour.

Read more: A guide to Beirut by architect & musician Carl Gerges

My challenge to you is to consider the following simple questions and then ask yourself if you, too, need a “pattern interrupt” and a shift in perspective:

  • What are the prevailing emotions you are feeling day to day, week to week? Please label them and if you can, list them in order of their frequency (i.e frustration, resentment, anger, sadness, joy, contentment, peace, hope, gratitude) and consider whether you like what you read!
  • What is missing from your life right now that you want more of? Again, please be as precise as you can be….i.e. ‘I miss freedom, I miss variety, I miss spontaneity, I miss connection, I miss fun.’ And consider what you are prepared to do to prioritise just two of these in your life moving forward.

Change it up!

Finally, be kind to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up if you find that you’re stuck in a self-sabotaging pattern; if in doubt, you can always change something. As Einstein said (possibly not in these exact words), “The definition of insanity is to do the same thing and expect different results.”

We all need variety in life. We all need a break from the routine, the mundane and definitely from the relentless. So, please give yourself the gift of “shaking the trees” and pattern interrupt yourself out of the fog!

Find out more about Simon Hodges’ work: simonhodges.com@simonhodgescoaching

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man leaning against wall

Simon Hodges photographed by Matt Porteous

LUX columnist and life coach Simon Hodges continues to explore how we can move away from a survival-based way of thinking and towards a mindset which will help us thrive

In my last column, I posed a few questions, one of which I want to explore more deeply, as it is fundamental to personal transformation: What are the beliefs that I previously bought into which are no longer serving me?

Our Belief Systems

So here is the reality: our belief systems drive our behaviour and everything that we do in our daily lives, and I really do mean everything!

Even though we have tens of thousands of thoughts a day, we tend to only focus on a handful and this handful is far too often rooted in fear. Have you stopped to notice recently which thoughts you habitually pay most attention to? What themes seem to keep coming up?

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Let me bring this alive for you with some real-life examples of how our belief systems play out day to day. How many of you are familiar with the following?

  • Constantly hearing a grating voice in your head which crops up just as you’re about to do something slightly scary and exciting?
  • Feeling frequently frustrated and unfulfilled in your life knowing that you are capable of so much more, but without being able to take the next step?
  • Noticing that you feel a lot of fear-based emotions in your life, such as anxiety about the future or rumination on the past and its failures?

What does this all mean? Well, beneath all of the thoughts and memories that came up as you read those questions is a limiting belief waiting to be outed!

What are our belief systems and where do they come from?

Our belief systems are simply the stories that we believe to be true about ourselves and how we see the world we live in. These might be something like:

  • You can’t make it in life and be successful unless you fight – no pain, no gain!
  • The world is a place of scarcity, filled with people who are out to get me.
  • When I open up and let people in, I always get hurt.
  • It’s better to play it safe in life and be ‘the diplomatic one’, rather than take risks and fail.
  • It’s selfish to put myself first, I must always look after everyone else.
  • I need to be reserved and calm – expressing how I feel and being emotional are signs of weakness.
  • Everything I do has to be perfect – anything less is failure.

The vast majority of our belief systems stem from our childhood / adolescence and how we interpreted events that occurred during these times and specifically, the meaning we gave to these where we felt emotionally triggered by unpleasant or unwanted feelings. These can be from big life events like death, divorce, injury and illness, or from much smaller and seemingly innocuous things like:

  • how you felt sad and unworthy when your Dad never gave you praise for something you felt was important and meant a lot to you.
  • how your sibling was always the centre of attention and got away with murder, but you were often ignored or disproportionately punished and felt that you weren’t loved as much.
  • how your parents often argued and so you felt you had to be the ‘good girl / boy’, never ask for anything and make everyone else happy.

The reason we interpret these events as above, comes down to three simple needs that are hardwired into our DNA and pre-programmed. We all want to feel:

  • Loved
  • Worthy
  • Enough

When we experience events and interactions where our sense of anyone of the above is compromised, our default reaction is to make up stories (belief systems) to protect us from these unwanted feelings happening again, or at least with less intensity. Inevitably, the stories we choose are built on fear and we end up avoiding doing or saying things, playing safe, and generally not engaging as fully in life and our relationships.

And here’s the killer punch: the vast majority of us are living lives well below our potential because we are unconsciously allowing these limiting (and self-sabotaging) beliefs to run our lives day to day, like the corrupt software of an out of date computer.

Man standing in doorway

Photograph Matt Porteous

What can I do to change my beliefs?

The short answer is: a lot! It is scientifically proven that you can rewire your brain and re-programme your belief systems in as little as 90 days, although my experience is that it is more like 180+ days in reality (more of this in my next column).

Read more: Durjoy Rahman on promoting South Asian art

But all change starts with awareness, so first of all, you need to become more aware of the internal chatter in your head, the prevailing emotions you feel day to day and start to assess where in your life you feel least satisfied. When you do this, you will gradually begin to see what is really going on in your head – whether you like it or not!

In short, you cannot make positive changes to move forward until you first become aware of what is holding you back and shine a bright spotlight on these beliefs to see if they really are your ‘truth’ or in fact are just ‘stories’ which you created unconsciously as a child when you didn’t have the awareness to know better.

From this base of core awareness, you’ll be able to ask better questions and to start to consider other choices which might serve you much better – choices which will ultimately leave you happier and more fulfilled with where you are now and where you’re going.

Find out more about Simon Hodges’ work: simonhodges.com@simonhodgescoaching

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